So Blah, I'm kinda tired, prolly should go to sleep. 

My SGT has staff duty tonight and I told him I'd keep him company.. We played a couple hours of Halo on his X-box... I never thought Legendary mode would be so fricken hard or so fun.. I got my ass kicked so much it hurt.  I think I'm a little too addicted to games, I love me some Diablo 2 or Halo or M:tG or even Pacman.... I think I need a support group for those kinds of things.

I talked to my first love the last night... that was an experience in itself.  just talkin to them was a very emotional experence because they were to one who broke up with me in the first place, even though they told me they wanted to get aack together, I told them that I couldn't move backwards...  I don't know if I could stand to be friends with them and even cary a conversation without wanting to cry.... It was so long ago and yet theres that tug on my heart that I can't stop...  but its kewl, I think we both feel that way and I'm just being a stupid romantic... before you know it, I'll be back to my old ways... I hope I never act that way again... its just too degrading to myself and everything I live by...  I think I may be falling in love with my best friend, Laura... what a creepy thought, we are so close friends that she just seems like a female counterpart of me... we make each other laugh alot and she makes me feel like life is worth going through... I doubt I'll ever try to get with her though, I don't ever wanna waste this great friendship I got... very few people have friends like this and I don't plan on making this one go sour. 

I came to the conclusion that I may have something wrong with me when I caught myself actually caring what a web site thought of me based off of my choice in hyperlinks.. I'm not talking about the people on the web site, I'm talking about the web site itself.. as if it had a consciousness and was sentient itself... who knows, maybe all those people in my life who told me I had issues weren't full of it...  I kinda hope I don't have issues, I'm sure lots of people have those little fantasies that they play out for themselves just to attempt to make themself seem special and unique in some way, shape, or form... 

I dreamt the other night about my Calculus class in high school... only for some reason I was having trouble in the class.. I tried my best to grasp the concepts but for some reason it was beyond me and I couldn't get the correct answers...  This may seem unusual to some people as to why this would be so frustrating to me, but I never had trouble in ANY math class.  it has always been there for me, and with enough work, I could always grasp a concept and figure it out... that was why I had decent grades in school.  Most everyone else in my HS who were in honors classes had that natural affinity for school, I had my drive to succeed... take that away and I got nothing...  this may be my minds way of telling me "use it or lose it" and that I need to go back to school and get my life going.... I should hit the education center on base. 

So I finally got internet in my room, its lookin pretty good for me right now... I got settled into my new living situation... got oriented to start working at the GI clinic...  isn't that like the army? they train you for 6 months to be pushin drugs on the battlefield then stick you in a hospital a half a world away from all the fighting.. I'm not complaining though, I enjoy this.

I started my Corrospondants courses online just a week ago... they are some courses I take to give me promotion points for my E-5 when that comes up, I got somewhere around a year and a half before thats even a possibiliy, probably 2 years.  I have it set up that I can make SGT before my 3 year mark is up, at which time I'm hoping I've tested out of enough courses and taken enough classes to have my 60 core curriculum thats required for the AMEDD Enlisted Commissioning Program...  Then I'll be able to go to college full time for 2 years and come out and be a nurse for the army for 4 years... during that time, I think I'll try for the graduates program in the army, if that works out, I'll get out again and be in college for my graduate studies and be a doctor for the army for an even longer time... but thats so far down the road that it isn't even conceiveable how I'm going to make it from here to there.. I just hope I'm motivated enough to get there.

  I talked to my friend megan today, that was refreshing, even if it was for just a few minutes.  she's one of the only people back home that I would enjoy maintaining a friendship for any extended period of time.  so it seems that my parents were really hurt when I told them I didn't want to come home for christmas.  I guess that I'm not just unimportant to the family afterall... for a while I was thinking everyone would forget about me when I go away, I guess I'm not that lucky.  I don't know if my mom put her up to it, but my sister called me the other day because she heard I wasn't coming home, after a lengthy conversation, she told me she understood my feelings why I don't want to come home, but still asked me to come home because she would miss me if I didn't.

I've come to the conclusion, that since my life is soo boring as to never bring anything worth reading to the table, I'll just put my melodramatic poetry dribble onto the web site because I have a web site and it doesn't have anything on it... hehe.. so heres the first instilation of Juxtepose's Trash...

"Juxtepose"

The art of juggling awkwardness and adversity with es and comfort.  People forget, life without singularity or origonality reaps rewards of ruin and displeasure for the soul.  Inhierent flaws make human the naturaly self-destructive lemmings we have degenerated to, comfortably.  Mysteries about why society feeds on the discomfort of their own brings enigmatic puzzles to the table, all out ante.  Unnatural systems progress the hidden agendas of our leaders and can lead to the total eradication of the human mind, as long as it can fit between commercial breaks.  Anarchy is te solution sought by the "individual" conformist that misakes origonality for genius.  Pheonix reborn within our society, doomed to repeat mistakes made by every generation before, different environments, how lovely it must be to have life figured onto a simple gold card that answers needs with a swish of the blade.  and herin "Lie" the ramblings of one "individual"..... Me

Reality is a drag....  I mean, it sux so much that I can't just close my eyes and everything goes bye bye...  I think the insane asylum has some of the brightest people there... or delusional, either way they deserve out respect.. I mean they actually manage to convince themselves of the unrealistic nature of reality... I can't even convince myself that doing something if for the best...  druggies have the right idea.. they manage to escape reality for short periods, granted they're real body slowly degresses to nothing...  sometimes I wish that I could change things.. but they are at they're current state and theres nothing thats goin to change that...  things just piss me off way to easily..  I'm soo lucky I have a way to vent my moods or I would be a very unhappy person to deal with....  I'm just ventin here.. I guess I had a bad day... GRRR!!